Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Let's talk about S.E.X... and the Birth of a Family

I knew that A's birth would be magical, a game-changer. I envisioned it growing a family with D&G. I even hoped that it would create a family with the four of us (it has). What I didn't envision was the family it created with her birthfather. Our relationship's evolution has amazing me. I hated him for knocking me up, for not being careful (I mean really, you had one job, dude), for carrying on with his life unphased while mine shattered around me. For not wanting her.

The thing is, I've always been a "good girl." I never had sex in high school and college, rarely drank, gave my all to please everyone. In fact, I was a worship leader when I conceived A. It was selfishness, stupidity, and passion that lead to it. Drinks were involved, but mostly it was about wanting wild and uninhibited sex. I've distantly known A's birthfather for years (nothing romantic) and knew that he had been interested in me, so in a way he was every bit the victim I was. We could play naive, but we both knew where things were headed that night. Took me a while to admit that. And it's not like I stopped things to ask if he had on a condom. I was "wild and uninhibited," remember? Oy. I can hardly blame him for destroying my carefully laid image anymore.

Then there's the wanting her part. What else can you expect from a guy that you randomly hooked up with and didn't speak to for weeks until you told him you were pretty sure his child was growing inside you? A 21-year old guy, at that. He was terrified and overwhelmed and saw his life flashing before his eyes. I wasn't warm and fuzzy toward him, so he stayed away and I let him. He couldn't feel her dancing inside like I could or see her little feet on the ultrasound, so it wasn't real. He didn't call, text, or help with birth and adoption plans because he couldn't see it.

To his credit, he tried to respond when I reached out. He completed paperwork for the agency. When I went into labor he apparently became a wreck. He waited patiently until I invited him to see her hours after she was born (he wasn't sure he even wanted to but agreed because I asked while pregnant). At that point. everything changed. He fell in love with her a way he never imagined and the way he looked at her was something I'll never forget. It was time to nurse her, so I did. He watched me with such awe, and recently told me that it was the moment he realized he'd made a big mistake. He wanted both of us in his life forever, but loved her and I enough to admit adoption was best for us all. He met D&G the next day, spent time singing to A, and forever signed away his parental rights. I remember being a total bitch to him for being late. I obviously didn't get that things had changed.

He's yet to see A since then because of how deeply is rocked him to the core. He lost it for a while and it took months to find himself again, Now, he is ten times the man I ever imagined he could be. He is doing things with his life because of his daughter. We speak occasionally, and he finally admitted that he wants to see A but is scared. Scared D&G won't forgive his mistakes and allow it, scared that she won't love him. They're actually thrilled at the prospect of him also explaining that he chose this because He loves her so deeply, and I assured him that something engrained deep within her with create a deep bond between them. He is in on the google doc updates and snapfish pics now, and we are planning our first visit together, His level of involvement won't be anything like mine- maybe one or two a year we're thinking, but I am honestly blown away at the way things have turned out.

First and foremost, D, G, and A are family. But A, her birthfather, and myself will always be family (not exclusive of them) as well. I'll always check in on him and pray for the best in his life. He'll always be there for me, and we'll always love each other in the deep way you only can when you create a human being together and choose to put her well-being above your own. We're her birthfamily.



I love you. J loves you. We may not have made the best choices, but neither of us regret them one bit because they made you. You're the best thing we've done in either of our lives, and we will always love, adore, and admire you. We may not be the very best of people, but I can assure you that we gave you the very best of us at that time. Please forgive the hurt I know you one day will feel when you better grasp your conception and the full meaning behind adoption. We didn't easily terminate our rights to parent you. WE WANTED YOU. We will always want and miss you, and I hope the love that surrounds you will ease some of that pain. You've restored our lives and hearts and made them worth something. Thank you. God knew what he was doing when he entrusted you to us to grow for your Mom and Dad. Trust in that throughout life- God's plan for you is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.

love always,


Sunday, October 26, 2014

My heart just might explode from happiness

I had my visit with A yesterday, and it was perfection. She was loving and once again remembered me. She wanted me to hold her and when I did, she wrapped her little 9-month-old arms around me, laid her head on me, and held my hand. She is truly an exquisite child and I can't believe I brought her into the world. This visit affirmed everything amazing about open adoption. My daughter is in loving, capable hands and being given everything in life I wanted for her. D and I talked for hours, cried, laughed, and connected in a way only we can. We have a bond forged by the intense maternal love we share, similar feelings of loss, and appreciation for the gifts we have given each other. I will forever be grateful to her for all she'd given to A, and to me in allowing me to make the most of my life and become the best version of me I can be.

We made plans to facetime around the holidays and have a big Christmas family celebration with all my family. She even once again reminded me that if I were ever in town I could stop by and see them. I love the relationship I have with D, the special bond and relationship I have with A, and the feeling of being complete family with them. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more in this situation, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

This journey has been hard and painful, but I'm thankful for it. I've seen blessing after blessing as God has used what could have been a terrible situation to bring about miracles in many lives. I don't want to imagine my life without A and even without adoption. Reaching out to other birthmoms, opening up about my story, and recently taking steps to begin a birthmother support group have been healing for me. God's guidance and being painfully honest and open with D&G has allowed us to develop the relationship we have, even after a very painful rough patch that I was sure was the death of our relationship.

I love my daughter. I wish I could hold her like that all day every day, but I am happy with the way things have turned out. I can believe I created such a wonderful, magical thing.

Monday, October 20, 2014


Right now, the hardest part of this journey for me is the isolation. I have positive feelings when I think of A, her family, and her adoption. I even think positively of her birthfather. Being a birthmother has forever changed me in a way that someone who is not a birthparent can't get. I carry it with me at all times, silently shaping the way I see the world. Being that I'm not struggling with any particular aspect of the adoption, I can't pinpoint a topic to work through as I did through the stages of grief. Instead, I sometimes find myself to be an outsider compared to the rest of the world who has no idea what it feels like to willingly lose the opportunity to parent a child. They don't understand how I could be so happy over the way things have gone yet grieve at the same time. No one else comprehends the fact that A is constantly on my mind when they ask if I ever go a day without thinking about her. How could I, when being her birth mother is an integral part of WHO I am- it pulses through my veins and influences my every thought. This is not a bad thing, nor does it make me sad. It simply sets me apart from the majority of society.  I make friends and enjoy their company, and for the most part do not feel alone. This is the best way I know how to explain that I am rarely lonely but often isolated. Do I regret my decision? Not for one second. Am I happy? More than ever in my life. I'm simply learning how to navigate life with this still new and confusing burden.

Monday, October 6, 2014

The ups and downs

The life of a birthmother, like so many others, is full of ups and downs. Lately I have been in a fantastic up-swing. When I think about A I feel only happy feelings and love. I'm thankful for adoption, thankful for D&G, and happy that God saw fit to throw me this curve-ball in life. I love my relationship with D and am thankful she's so open, warm, and loving to me. I'll encourage expectant parents to consider adoption in a heartbeat, and happily support those I know who are pursuing adoption.

I remember reading words similar to these of birthmothers while I was in "down" phase. It made me angry and jealous and I probably felt the opposite of everything stated. Grief is a tricky thing and can easily consume and overwhelm you. I firmly believe it's something that can be controlled. in reality, it's not me vs adoption. Adoption is the blessing that gave my daughter everything she deserves, created parenthood for a broken couple, and gave me a second chance to get life right. It's me vs grief. I've had to learn to recognize the sign of grief when they sneak in as atypical symptoms such as anger, fear, feeling of insufficiency, and much more. I then have had to learn to dissect these feelings as I can only overcome them by getting to the root and solvin the problems in my head. The intangibility of grief makes it even tricker. It's not something I can actively fix so I seek problems I think could be causing my hurt instead. I might blame my feelings on D not calling me often because that's something I can see and fix. The problem is this causes stress on relationships while never conquering the true source of pain.

I'm incredibly grateful for the coping mechanisms that have landed me in a truly happy, optimistic, and marginally hurt-free phase of life. Being able to detect the genuine source of hurt and overcome it has been one of the most momentous and beneficial accomplishments of my life and one that I wish I could hand away to every birthmother out there.